Birthdays and time zones

I somehow end up being at random places (read countries and cities) on my birthdays since the last 3-4 years. Places which either have a different time zone from India or even if I am in India on my birthday, it somehow ends up being celebrated in strange locations. Weird locations are still acceptable since I don’t have to worry about celebrating my birthday according to various time zones where some friends wish me when its 12PM according to their time while it’s still late evening at my location. Let’s see how time zones have mattered in 2 of my last 3 birthdays and how the only remaining one was celebrated in a bus

24 September 2006: Singapore, 2.5 hours ahead of India meaning that it was 12AM of 24^th in India when it was 2:30 AM in Singapore. So I got calls from friends in India at 2:30 AM in the morning. Of course their argument that I was born in India and not in Singapore justified the time of wishing. Fortunately I was celebrating my birthday at a beautiful beach in Singapore so I dint have to wake up to pick up the calls. But yeah, that birthday was nice, serene beach and a bunch of friends to enjoy with till wee hours of the morning. I think it was till 4AM. But confusion due to time zone made many of my friends to wish me twice, once according to Indian time and once again to Singapore time.

24 September 2007: This time I was in India so no confusion due to time zones but I was travelling on a bus from Bangalore to Kozhikode that night. Fortunately had 4 friends with me on the bus and we did make sure that the entire bus wakes up at 12AM with loud noises and celebrations. A makeshift cake in the form of a chocolate bar was there for me to celebrate my 24^th birthday. Of course, that meant that I was saved from the customary birthday bumps. Lack of critical mass to do that

24 September 2008: It was the turn of Germany this time, 3.5 hours behind India. In simple terms 8:30PM here meant that my birthday actually started in India. Taking things a bit ahead, it meant that it was 2:30 AM in Singapore. So while I was getting ready to cook something to eat for my dinner, I got calls to wish me from sleepy friends in Singapore who wished according to Indian time. It would have been easier for them and much more complicated for me had they decided to choose Singapore time (was in a class at that time). Indian friends were confused as to should they wish me according to Indian time or European time. Some wise people decided to use the German time and other stuck to the logic of “You were born in India and not in Germany” and wished me according to Indian time. Of course, I am talking about chats and pings and scraps, since not many people called from India. Maybe rising financial crises and falling rupee is the reason. And even I was confused in this time zone mix as to when should I stop feeling like a birthday boy; according to India or according to Germany. And I decided to extend the day by 3.5 hours on both sides, start by India time and end by German time

A quarter century of my life which started in India and ended in Germany was spent with not many friends. No birthday bumps and no cake on the face to make you smell of egg for days. It was simple, sober and different. Silver jubilee celebrated in Frankfurt with an Indian dinner at a Pakistani restaurant. Truly a globalised world!!

Life as exponential functions

 

A weird thought crossed my mind while sitting and lazing around; the exponential growth/decay function which almost all of us studied in our high school for the first time and forgot then and there is so much prevalent in everyday life; the effect of which is much more visible in case you are an MBA student. Let me start by defining an exponential function in a true layman language: Anything which grows or decays at an alarmingly fast rate is said to follow an exponential function. We will see the variants of these as we go along.

Let’s start this intellectual discussion with Exponential growth function. Many things follow this growth function but I will limit the scope again to life in a B-school. The capacity to complete assignments just before deadlines, the capacity to present a presentation which you have never seen in your life before, the capacity to be prepared for a quiz are very simple examples of this. When you start in a business school, an assignment due next week is completed at least 2-3 days before the deadline. Similarly, when you know that there is going to be a presentation which you are supposed to make in front of the class/teacher, you at least look at it once before going to the lecture. A simple 5 or 10 marks quiz would have generated some interest in the first term. Now the assignments are done Just In Time, the presentations are made On The Spot and the quizzes are taken Business As Usual. There are some other things which may follow an exponential growth curve, some of these might be debatable and highly person dependant. Ability to doze off in the class, ability to ask irrelevant questions in the class, ability to gossip, ability to get up just in time for the morning class, the attraction towards the opposite sex (among the sample available in campus), the desire to get out of the B-school with that elusive job; all increase exponentially as you progress from Term 1 to Term 3. The ability to be practical in life would increase exponentially once you are done with your summer internships is one thing seniors have told me though I need to verify it myself.

A few examples now of the exponential decay function. Just notice the number of people studying in library in term 3 and compare it to term 1 or compare the number of students attending the morning class or the number of student actually reading the case/chapter scheduled for a class; they all follow an exponential decay function. The library looks deserted and the morning class resembles a morgue with half empty seats and half seats occupied by sleep deprived zombies, though only 1% of these zombies actually lost their sleep over some constructive work. Other things following this function can be the level of tolerance, the respect for fellow mates, the respect for system, the inhibitions about the three letter word, the fidelity towards your “already engaged” partner. Again, these are effects that are highly person dependant.

So if you see, I have classified almost everything people do and learn in a business school by means of exponential curves but still there are some things which don’t follow this function. And if by chance you noticed, I did not classify “the actual learnings of an MBA” anywhere, neither in growth nor in decay. For some it’s learning and for some it’s destruction of common sense and logical reasoning and I have no intentions of hurting either of these two groups. You see, one more thing follows an exponential growth function, the art of being tactical and diplomatic

 

 

The next 1/6 of my MBA (total 1/3 )

Here comes the account of my adventures and learnings (pun intended) over the course of completing the next 1/6 of my MBA. It may seem like a sequel similar to some stupid never ending Ekta Kapoor soap, but hey there is at least one difference, this doesn’t start with a K.

 Coming back to the main plot of the story which is to crisply narrate these 10 weeks as they went by like a whoosh (not the pet name of a classmate at IIMK), it would be totally unfair if I don’t give due importance to the biggest extravaganza any MBA student experiences during the course called summer placements. Every B-school organizes it and every student has to grab a place to intern for two months. They say it is an integral part of an MBA and enhances learning giving practical and real life learning beyond the shallow books and crappy assignments but as I went through the process I found the process itself so rich that it itself is enough to teach all virtues supposed to be taught by the internship. Not wasting any more time describing this circus since I have already given an elaborate account in an old post here, let me get on with things beyond summer internships.

Continuing on the steep learning curve which you started climbing in the first term, you learn more jargon. Your talks become more gassy and lesser in substance. If you could speak for 15 minutes on nothing in Term 1 now you could add 15 minutes comfortably to this. This term the best possible subjects which enriches your jargon vocabulary hugely are OB2 (yes, it is back again) and Business Ethics (sexy, funky name). OB2 is all about learning about organizational culture, structure, functioning and everything which has the remotest linkage to an organization. It starts with teaching what an organization is and continues to pop new terms like differentiation, integration (nothing at all to do with calculus you morons), horizontal, vertical (again no geometry in this) and many more 2 by 2 grids, only that this time they classify organizations instead of individuals. At least they are more sensible this time since organizations are at the least non-living. I was amazed to learn the linkage between the technology used by an organization and the structure followed by it, and learnt how the structure influences the culture of an organization. Fellow students were brain-washed that whichever organization did not take a bottom-up approach (I love doing it, though in a pub!!) and indulged in a non-participative mode of decision making is the biggest culprit in this civilized society. Just imagine workers and laborers running a manufacturing facility where the average education standard of these people is senior secondary at the best.

The best possible course any MBA student can encounter is Business Ethics. I can say this on the basis of only two terms, and I guarantee it. Nothing can beat it; nothing can even come close to beating it. The amount of gas involved is overwhelming to someone who has a bad appetite for non-solid/liquid states. The course is intended to make socially aware and more ethical corporate citizens but in itself contain mutually contradictory statements like, “ethics works”, which basically means whatever works for you is ethical and is circumstantial. Wow, in one statement ethics redefined to suit everything which is workable. Many many frameworks grace this course too as this basically is a spoilt, younger sister of OB. People doze off in the class listening to the scintillating intercourse of spirits roaming freely in the classroom, and the best thing, you need to write about the learnings of the course in the exam for 3 hours. People who ran out of gas during these 3 hours of “who is the biggest gasser competition”, are labeled as unethical students with a D grade to shine boldly on their grade sheets.

More economics was bombarded this term with many more curves, revolving again around demand and supply, and many more theories more than enough to give goose bumps to poor souls like us. But still it was a course which looked sane, sensible and logical. Accounting came in a more horrifying disguise dressed as Cost Accounting which made students search frantically for cost drivers every time they see an empty wallet. 100 types of costs made lives hell of already accounting scared people. Corporate finance was one beautiful course which added tangibly to my knowledge database. I actually have started understanding markets, shares, bonds etc. The most beautiful concept was present value or Time value of money which somehow fits itself snuggly in everything which you can lay your eyes on. A decision to do an MBA can also be quantified!! Now that’s learning, isn’t it?

Other intangible learnings which can be termed as side effects of an MBA like intolerance, frustration and back stabbing will be dealt in a separate article for it deserves much more air time than a paragraph at the end of some other article.

This time around I am not that fearful of going home in the company of more civilized people since it’s the second time and I have learnt how to keep my jungle life separate from normal human life. I no more use jargons in day to day conversations hence don’t have the fear of being termed, “Not fit for civilized society” by my loved ones. The girl whom I talked about in the last article is no more in pursuit since the market wasn’t pure competition after all.

I would end by reiterating, “I love being an MBA student”. The reason also remains the same, to complete the remaining 2/3 of an MBA. I have become so dexterous in dozing off in class sitting at the last bench that I count at least one hour extra when I plan my sleep every night before retiring which helps in sneak in an extra hour of movie watching and enjoying myself. Long live an MBA course J and hopefully investing in an MBA would be as profitable as investing in mortgage and junk bonds.

Summer Placements @ a B-school: An annual circus

An annual circus that is organized in every business school which attracts the participation of many of the ringmasters from the corporate world to hire some musketeers for performing the same jugglery at their private circuses is branded as summer placements. But a circus cannot be organized without thorough preparation and planning else the ring masters might be displeased with the current lot of monkeys on sale.  So let me (a monkey) take you through the preparations which may put a wedding planner to shame.

 The preparation starts well in advance for the annual ritual of selling raw uncooked pieces of meat packaged as delicacies to hungry customers. The poor souls, the first year students, are asked to read read and read. Read about this, read about that, read about everything under the sun. Forget about academics, forget about personal life, forget about extracurrics, and some people do forget even sleep, food and other Maslow’s basic needs. They are told to mug up ready responses to clichéd questions like, Why finance/marketing/consulting? They are actually taught to lie about their ambitions, career dreams and even why are they alive. A “tell me about yourself” question becomes so difficult that it requires 100s of hours of coaching from 10s of people, 5 out of these 10 don’t know anything about their tomorrow themselves is a different thing altogether. So this process continues for a long time, junies are threatened repeatedly by senior musketeers who have gone through the same process of hire-purchase last year. A perfect example of Knowledge Sharing!! This entire process reminds me of annual festival of Baqrid, celebrated by muslims, wherein they feed and maintain a goat for one full month so that when it is slaughtered, better and more meat is obtained.

So our scapegoats are ready with impressive CVs to lure the best ringmaster. They all purchase nice costumes for the big day. The first step in the actual sale is coordinated by some internal ringmasters fondly known as PlaceCom members, who make sure that every monkey is looking like some imported kangaroo and every third grade ringmaster gives an impression of an expert in his field.  The ringmasters come with a jazzy presentation to lure the best monkey. Isn’t it nice, monkeys luring ringmaster and ringmasters luring monkeys!! Nobody knows who the smarter monkey is though. The masters indulge in a self appraisal mode crossing all lines of modesty, telling about the quality of food in the office canteen, the gender ratio, the cleanliness of toilets etc. After this blabbering comes the next part of announcing the names of shortlisted monkeys which suit the requirements of their circus. After all they can’t ask every monkey to jump for the same height. The rejected monkeys go back to their trees, some become sad, some cry, some shout, some drink and some simply go to sleep.

Meanwhile the shortlisted monkeys are taken to a separate chamber for further screening. The most dreaded part is called Group Discussion where the true colors of these monkeys come to play. Monkeys who ate together, smoked together now become enemies; they fight badly for a bullshit job in a bullshit place. They shout at each other, frown at their friends and show invisible middle finger to all around them. Hunger makes people do strange things. After this bullfight some more monkeys are sent home. The remaining monkeys are now interviewed and now it’s the turn of the monkeys to put modesty and humility to shame. Every answer is exaggerated to its limit; a simple thing is blown out of proportions and presented. Glib liars rule and honest monkeys lose. The sequence of lies continues till the ringmaster finally decides on the best monkey to dance in his circus. He goes back happily and I don’t think I need to mention about the joy of the monkey involved. Finally he is proved a superior monkey and may get some attention from the opposite sex. He is proved to be more adept in lying than others, he is proved to be a decent crook, and he can surely pull off a double face more easily than others.

This process of hire-purchase continues till all monkeys get a ringmaster. During this time, monkeys jump from one selection tent to other, changing their career choices in the flight time. They vomit the good things about a circus in front of that particular ringmaster, a sure shot formula for selection. The process is hard and takes a toll on the weaker monkeys; they get disheartened and lose hope, thereby losing their confidence to jump higher. A vicious circle sets in, a less confident monkey is more likely to fall down and a fallen monkey loses more hope. But for the rescue of these monkeys come forward the internal ringmasters. They make sure that finally every monkey gets a place to jump and dance. In the end we have a bunch of happy and gay monkeys who now believe that the world is theirs.

Now that the process is over, when I look back and ponder, I wonder; is this what is important in life? A 2 month internship which is less than 1% of our lifetimes suddenly becomes the end of the world. Why don’t we understand that nobody can change the world in 2 months, neither can we do it nor will we be allowed to do it? So then why this chaos, why these lies, why these back stabbings, why these heart breaks, why these nervous breakdowns, why this shameless begging, why these nonsensical comparisons? Is it only to show you are better of the worse or to be more precise, worse of the better? I don’t have an answer, if someone has an answer, please please do enlighten me. I would be indebted to you and who knows; I might come for a dance and jump session at your tree J, that too free of cost.

Disclaimer: The views aired in this article are the personal views of this monkey. No offences are meant towards other monkeys, ringleaders and circuses for sure. After all, I also need to dance and jump in a circus, and I can’t afford to piss off my ringmasters. 

The story of my 1/6 MBA

Now that I am a 1/6 MBA, I think I am in a position to comment about my experiences over the last 10 weeks or so. These include lessons learnt, mistakes made and more importantly assumptions changed. But all these come with a disclaimer: These are personal experiences and might not hold true for everyone everywhere.

Everyone asks what you actually learn at a B-school. I too never used to take a business school more than a branding machine producing high reputation graduated to be swallowed by starving corporate to show “We hire from IIMs” or “We have XX IIM graduates” on their corporate brochures. But an MBA does teach you many things, some explicit and some implicit. It changes your personality and way of thinking. To start with it teaches you the importance of punctuality. You won’t want to miss your attendance or be thrown out of the class for 5 minutes extra of sleep when you know that this will hurt your grades (everything in a B-school is linked to grades, funny isn’t it?). Second explicit lesson you learn is to put in the best you can in everything. Relative grading makes sure that you are up on your toes always, so you slog till 4 in the morning preparing for some stupid marketing case for some XYZ firm or some assignment for some freaky professor. Now here is where dilemma creeps in. Its 4 in the morning and there is a class at 9 in the morning. Sleeping now will mean a probable attendance in the class but at the cost of some penalty in assignment. A quick cost benefit analysis (this is one thing you do every now and then without being taught in the class) and you realize that you can always sleep in the class (there are tricks for it, of course). So you continue and complete the assignment till 5 or 6. Other explicit learnings are to follow rules and respect the limitations, treat the professors like Gods (a fallback of IIM autonomy) etc etc. But I think it’s the implicit learnings and attitude changes that are more interesting.

You start walking, talking, thinking and eating MBA terms and jargons. A simple TV advertisement which till 3 months back was a nuisance now becomes more important than the cricket match during which it is aired. You start dissecting the ad in terms of product, place, place, promotion (affectionately called 4P). You look for brand dilution, brand extension, product enhancement blah blah. So when Crocin launches pain killer, you jump off the chair crying “brand extension” and when Pepsi comes out with new “My Can” you scream at the top of the voice “packaging strategy”. You understand that the Amul Macho ad thrived on the shock value of the message and launching Scorpio as a car instead of a SUV took a hell lot of analysis.  That was marketing for you that come packed nicely in a huge bulky book called Kotler. Best thing about marketing, books don’t help you any ways, it’s all common sense.

Next subject to creep into an MBA’s daily life is OB (organisational behaviour). You start analysing everyone and their behaviour trying to put each and everyone in one of the umpteen 2 by 2 grids classifying every possible action of a human being forcing to change the notion about human beings as species having complex behaviour. Maslow becomes your God father and you gleefully apply his theory everywhere. So when someone is hungry, you deduce that “his primary needs aren’t fulfilled”, this you never did that 3 months back.

An even funnier subject is Economics. The subject has so many assumptions that you begin wondering if there is anything practical about it. Every theory start with so many disclaimers that it can put a mutual fund offering to shame. As demand curves exceed their demand and supply curves never short of supply, you begin wondering the market dynamics behind them. Is it a monopoly or a competition? Never mind, it doesn’t matter. Just another course out of 100s of them. At least its better than Business communications which starts with the assumption of all of us being illiterate and stupid. How to write an email, a letter etc is taught with the help of set rules. It will make all great writers commit suicide if they hear there are well defined rules for writing English!! I wonder if I am following them while writing this, he may fail me if he reads this J

I am dreading to go back home and talk to normal people with these implicit learnings. I may start deciphering an advertisement on the dinner table and my parents might take me for a madman. Or worse, I might try my hand in defining the behaviour of the girl next door in some of the grids of OB coupled with a demand-supply analysis only to discover that my assumptions about the market being a pure competition was wrong. This might lead me for an image changeover coupled with personal selling and trade discount along with referent power of my mother which might not be so easy. So you see, being an MBA isn’t that easy as it looks like.

But the bottom line (courtesy, Accounts), I love being an MBA student!!! Have to say this to complete other 5/6 of my MBA happily. It all depends on how good you are at filtering stuff and how dexterous you are in dozing off in the class J

PS: I don’t know which style of persuasion I used in this article. I don’t know whether I lived up to my brand image. I don’t know if you will ever try this product again (repeat value, that is) or if you liked it, was it problem solving or transformational or informational or some other appeal. Forgive me if you can, for I am a troubled soul confused between marketing, OB and economics, trying to make sense of these mutually exclusive theories in tandem. 

Rakhi @ Kampus (IIMK)

Here I was, again out of home on Rakhi for the third consequent year. It all started with me spending the entire day 2 years back in Inductis solving the after training test, affectionately called One Day Case and it did took one full day, meaning I was in Delhi but could not celebrate Rakhi with my family. Flash forward one year, me in Singapore around this time. Couldn’t help it so no issues, hoped to be there for next year. But it wasn’t to be this year as well, as I am slogging here at IIMK.

I miss rakhi for the sheer fun of meeting the entire family together, quite a big family I must say. So get to catch up with everyone at the same place and time.

So rakhis were sent by post to me to tie them myself (I dare not ask a classmate hereJ ) around my wrist. But I was happily surprised by the idea of a few people here in my hostel to celebrate rakhi in almost the same here its done at home. We had snacks, sweets, teeka, the only different thing was the absence of sisters. We all tied rakhis to each other. A very novel idea to celebrate rakhi, afterall the spirit of brotherhood is what we celebrate. Looking at the pics I can say that this was a moment not to be forgotten. It made all of us sisters of each other and brothers vowing to protect each other J. Very interesting, right. Just imagine the sight, 6-7 boys tying rakhis to each other.

The pics corroborate what you imagine. All in all it was nice and fun. The entire evening could be summed up for the statement I made while leaving addressing the group, “Achcha bhaiyo aur behano, main chalta hun…” True, wasn’t it??

Who is more intelligent??? A friend’s dilemma

A friend’s tryst with reality wherein he actually realises what it means to be on the receiving end. Read his story in his own words yourself and don’t stop yourself from laughing;  

How much you think yourself to be a stud at knowing all about certain stuff, all that comes to naught when Mr Knowall personally experiences the situation. All the maturity and clarity of thought goes for a walk as the issues not pertaining to head cannot be ruled by head. but the issue is what to do, what not to do to help achieve the target ? especially since all that you considered as consequential to your “PERSONALITY- strengths” has been put to stake. 

If at all one could disassociate oneself from the present situations and think objectively. Alas once you give in to this temptation the cost you pay is your objectivity, so what’s the next best alternative; go to others, whom you couldn’t trust with such judgment earlier but now feel fraternally linked in such issues as personal experience is what counts not the result. and personal experience is what you don’t have . 

But then when you have put yourself in “okhal” why are you afraid of “moosals”. Its amazing how a clear weather could so suddenly turn so cloudy. The impervious being in you gets brutally and with no regard to self comfort gets dragged, sacked and repeatedly played around with. How much easier could all this would have been with some resource selling the uptodate information to help benchmark the expectations and efforts. But as bad luck would have it the only solace is the pleasure that someone is getting out of it and the only motivation the communication that was beyond senses……