The Side Effects of an MBA

In my two articles I have given an account of MBA course, which is generally either positive or neutral and generally tries to capture the tangible effects. Here I try to explore the side effects of an MBA which are carcinogenic and start breeding in the blood of every MBA the day he/she puts his/her foot on an MBA campus, only that the symptoms of cancer are visible sooner than the actual cancer. Even after this nobody does anything to remove these tumors which lead to an explosive growth in their sizes hampering the norm al course of life of everyone around an MBA student.

People going to an IIM start thinking of themselves in no lesser than some God simultaneously forgetting about other 180 odd self professed Gods. This lead to ego clashes between every one with every one, where in everyone thinks he is correct and the other person is some idiot who has no right whatsoever to speak in the presence of His majesty. People become short tempered ready to blow the fuse at the slightest of provocation. They just become intolerant of other students, simply intolerant of their mere presence around them, looking frantically for pettiest of reasons to rip each other off. Even a slight error on someone’s part is blown out of proportions thinking this as the only chance in the lifetime they have gotten to get the better of the other person. Forgiveness is a forgotten virtue and is considered a vile by many. There are no friends there, only contacts and batch-mates which may help you bargain for a job sometime down the years when you need one, that too not because of friendship obligation but because of alma mater ties. It may be purely because of being more mature and practical than each of us was in our undergrad days when emotions were strong and lifelong friendship really blossomed amongst fellow hostelites. Or maybe having worked for some times in the harsh and unforgiving corporate world may have changed us. Each of these can be a reason, independently or as a combined package, no one can be sure though.

One very peculiar change I personally observed in fellow MBA grads is the ever declining ratio of emotional quotient. People lose their sensitivity and become hardened; which may be appropriately called stress hardening in pure engineering terms. Personal and intangible issues take a backseat and life of almost everyone becomes mechanistic to its extreme point. Humans turn into machines churning out PowerPoints and word reports at the pace of Brett Lee bowling on WACA pitch. This murder of the child within each of us may also be one of the reasons of the perceived hostility amongst almost everyone.

Other thing people forget coming to a b-school are their pre MBA relationships. It is a widely accepted fact that almost 50% of pre-engaged couples break up within the first 6 months of their MBA and start afresh with someone inside the campus. Now is this due to lack of time to spend with the first fiancée or plenty of time spent with someone else on the compulsion of assignments or projects, I have no clue. The funniest part is that people surrounded by so many people get so lonely that they don’t have a soul to talk to. Maybe that drives people near to each other and the sheer distance from the original loved one takes the relationship away. I am no authority to analyze the issue morally since it is a totally private matter of the involved parties. But certainly I can observe and look at the issue as a neutral connection.

Studying in a fully residential course, I can relate some causes to these side effects. Group assignments and projects were supposed to foster team spirit in people working together, but here they achieve an opposite of that. People spend so much time together for work related reasons that they get bored out of each other. Now generally if you don’t like someone in real life, you simply ignore him and things become normal, but here you have to work with the same person acting as a coherent team. The very thought of a free rider eating away the fruits of your hard-work can be very frustrating and disheartening and when you that happening almost every day you just want to kill that parasite. These frustrations search desperately for a reason to be vent out.

The other reason can be simple pressure to do better than others, on whatever expenses it may be. Competition doesn’t end with cracking CAT, it starts from there. People realize the laws of supply and demand and most likely they learn it the harsher way. The relative grading system doesn’t help either. People go to all extremes to stop the other person from getting a better grade or a better job, in fact even a better friend. Effect, no respect or gentle feeling for others since they all are your competitors before being anyone else. Sadism is the art which people acquire automatically, taking extreme pleasure in every small thing that can cause even the slightest of pains to the other.

I do not know if these changes are found only in an IIM or only in a fully residential course or are these just a common phenomenon with every MBA course. What I really know is that, there are not many friends out there, if you can find some you are a very lucky man. People believe that the only way to be on top is via someone else’s head. I believe that a B-school teaches to be shrewd, unkind and diplomatic besides the other never ending boring theories and may be these are the learnings which will ultimately matter in your adventures when you step into the corporate life.

Hustling and jostling with these side effects of MBA, I still think I can finish off my MBA. Just think of these as the side dishes in a multi course meal; “they add to the spice of the meal” and you have a totally new perspective of the things J.

The next 1/6 of my MBA (total 1/3 )

Here comes the account of my adventures and learnings (pun intended) over the course of completing the next 1/6 of my MBA. It may seem like a sequel similar to some stupid never ending Ekta Kapoor soap, but hey there is at least one difference, this doesn’t start with a K.

 Coming back to the main plot of the story which is to crisply narrate these 10 weeks as they went by like a whoosh (not the pet name of a classmate at IIMK), it would be totally unfair if I don’t give due importance to the biggest extravaganza any MBA student experiences during the course called summer placements. Every B-school organizes it and every student has to grab a place to intern for two months. They say it is an integral part of an MBA and enhances learning giving practical and real life learning beyond the shallow books and crappy assignments but as I went through the process I found the process itself so rich that it itself is enough to teach all virtues supposed to be taught by the internship. Not wasting any more time describing this circus since I have already given an elaborate account in an old post here, let me get on with things beyond summer internships.

Continuing on the steep learning curve which you started climbing in the first term, you learn more jargon. Your talks become more gassy and lesser in substance. If you could speak for 15 minutes on nothing in Term 1 now you could add 15 minutes comfortably to this. This term the best possible subjects which enriches your jargon vocabulary hugely are OB2 (yes, it is back again) and Business Ethics (sexy, funky name). OB2 is all about learning about organizational culture, structure, functioning and everything which has the remotest linkage to an organization. It starts with teaching what an organization is and continues to pop new terms like differentiation, integration (nothing at all to do with calculus you morons), horizontal, vertical (again no geometry in this) and many more 2 by 2 grids, only that this time they classify organizations instead of individuals. At least they are more sensible this time since organizations are at the least non-living. I was amazed to learn the linkage between the technology used by an organization and the structure followed by it, and learnt how the structure influences the culture of an organization. Fellow students were brain-washed that whichever organization did not take a bottom-up approach (I love doing it, though in a pub!!) and indulged in a non-participative mode of decision making is the biggest culprit in this civilized society. Just imagine workers and laborers running a manufacturing facility where the average education standard of these people is senior secondary at the best.

The best possible course any MBA student can encounter is Business Ethics. I can say this on the basis of only two terms, and I guarantee it. Nothing can beat it; nothing can even come close to beating it. The amount of gas involved is overwhelming to someone who has a bad appetite for non-solid/liquid states. The course is intended to make socially aware and more ethical corporate citizens but in itself contain mutually contradictory statements like, “ethics works”, which basically means whatever works for you is ethical and is circumstantial. Wow, in one statement ethics redefined to suit everything which is workable. Many many frameworks grace this course too as this basically is a spoilt, younger sister of OB. People doze off in the class listening to the scintillating intercourse of spirits roaming freely in the classroom, and the best thing, you need to write about the learnings of the course in the exam for 3 hours. People who ran out of gas during these 3 hours of “who is the biggest gasser competition”, are labeled as unethical students with a D grade to shine boldly on their grade sheets.

More economics was bombarded this term with many more curves, revolving again around demand and supply, and many more theories more than enough to give goose bumps to poor souls like us. But still it was a course which looked sane, sensible and logical. Accounting came in a more horrifying disguise dressed as Cost Accounting which made students search frantically for cost drivers every time they see an empty wallet. 100 types of costs made lives hell of already accounting scared people. Corporate finance was one beautiful course which added tangibly to my knowledge database. I actually have started understanding markets, shares, bonds etc. The most beautiful concept was present value or Time value of money which somehow fits itself snuggly in everything which you can lay your eyes on. A decision to do an MBA can also be quantified!! Now that’s learning, isn’t it?

Other intangible learnings which can be termed as side effects of an MBA like intolerance, frustration and back stabbing will be dealt in a separate article for it deserves much more air time than a paragraph at the end of some other article.

This time around I am not that fearful of going home in the company of more civilized people since it’s the second time and I have learnt how to keep my jungle life separate from normal human life. I no more use jargons in day to day conversations hence don’t have the fear of being termed, “Not fit for civilized society” by my loved ones. The girl whom I talked about in the last article is no more in pursuit since the market wasn’t pure competition after all.

I would end by reiterating, “I love being an MBA student”. The reason also remains the same, to complete the remaining 2/3 of an MBA. I have become so dexterous in dozing off in class sitting at the last bench that I count at least one hour extra when I plan my sleep every night before retiring which helps in sneak in an extra hour of movie watching and enjoying myself. Long live an MBA course J and hopefully investing in an MBA would be as profitable as investing in mortgage and junk bonds.

Summer Placements @ a B-school: An annual circus

An annual circus that is organized in every business school which attracts the participation of many of the ringmasters from the corporate world to hire some musketeers for performing the same jugglery at their private circuses is branded as summer placements. But a circus cannot be organized without thorough preparation and planning else the ring masters might be displeased with the current lot of monkeys on sale.  So let me (a monkey) take you through the preparations which may put a wedding planner to shame.

 The preparation starts well in advance for the annual ritual of selling raw uncooked pieces of meat packaged as delicacies to hungry customers. The poor souls, the first year students, are asked to read read and read. Read about this, read about that, read about everything under the sun. Forget about academics, forget about personal life, forget about extracurrics, and some people do forget even sleep, food and other Maslow’s basic needs. They are told to mug up ready responses to clichéd questions like, Why finance/marketing/consulting? They are actually taught to lie about their ambitions, career dreams and even why are they alive. A “tell me about yourself” question becomes so difficult that it requires 100s of hours of coaching from 10s of people, 5 out of these 10 don’t know anything about their tomorrow themselves is a different thing altogether. So this process continues for a long time, junies are threatened repeatedly by senior musketeers who have gone through the same process of hire-purchase last year. A perfect example of Knowledge Sharing!! This entire process reminds me of annual festival of Baqrid, celebrated by muslims, wherein they feed and maintain a goat for one full month so that when it is slaughtered, better and more meat is obtained.

So our scapegoats are ready with impressive CVs to lure the best ringmaster. They all purchase nice costumes for the big day. The first step in the actual sale is coordinated by some internal ringmasters fondly known as PlaceCom members, who make sure that every monkey is looking like some imported kangaroo and every third grade ringmaster gives an impression of an expert in his field.  The ringmasters come with a jazzy presentation to lure the best monkey. Isn’t it nice, monkeys luring ringmaster and ringmasters luring monkeys!! Nobody knows who the smarter monkey is though. The masters indulge in a self appraisal mode crossing all lines of modesty, telling about the quality of food in the office canteen, the gender ratio, the cleanliness of toilets etc. After this blabbering comes the next part of announcing the names of shortlisted monkeys which suit the requirements of their circus. After all they can’t ask every monkey to jump for the same height. The rejected monkeys go back to their trees, some become sad, some cry, some shout, some drink and some simply go to sleep.

Meanwhile the shortlisted monkeys are taken to a separate chamber for further screening. The most dreaded part is called Group Discussion where the true colors of these monkeys come to play. Monkeys who ate together, smoked together now become enemies; they fight badly for a bullshit job in a bullshit place. They shout at each other, frown at their friends and show invisible middle finger to all around them. Hunger makes people do strange things. After this bullfight some more monkeys are sent home. The remaining monkeys are now interviewed and now it’s the turn of the monkeys to put modesty and humility to shame. Every answer is exaggerated to its limit; a simple thing is blown out of proportions and presented. Glib liars rule and honest monkeys lose. The sequence of lies continues till the ringmaster finally decides on the best monkey to dance in his circus. He goes back happily and I don’t think I need to mention about the joy of the monkey involved. Finally he is proved a superior monkey and may get some attention from the opposite sex. He is proved to be more adept in lying than others, he is proved to be a decent crook, and he can surely pull off a double face more easily than others.

This process of hire-purchase continues till all monkeys get a ringmaster. During this time, monkeys jump from one selection tent to other, changing their career choices in the flight time. They vomit the good things about a circus in front of that particular ringmaster, a sure shot formula for selection. The process is hard and takes a toll on the weaker monkeys; they get disheartened and lose hope, thereby losing their confidence to jump higher. A vicious circle sets in, a less confident monkey is more likely to fall down and a fallen monkey loses more hope. But for the rescue of these monkeys come forward the internal ringmasters. They make sure that finally every monkey gets a place to jump and dance. In the end we have a bunch of happy and gay monkeys who now believe that the world is theirs.

Now that the process is over, when I look back and ponder, I wonder; is this what is important in life? A 2 month internship which is less than 1% of our lifetimes suddenly becomes the end of the world. Why don’t we understand that nobody can change the world in 2 months, neither can we do it nor will we be allowed to do it? So then why this chaos, why these lies, why these back stabbings, why these heart breaks, why these nervous breakdowns, why this shameless begging, why these nonsensical comparisons? Is it only to show you are better of the worse or to be more precise, worse of the better? I don’t have an answer, if someone has an answer, please please do enlighten me. I would be indebted to you and who knows; I might come for a dance and jump session at your tree J, that too free of cost.

Disclaimer: The views aired in this article are the personal views of this monkey. No offences are meant towards other monkeys, ringleaders and circuses for sure. After all, I also need to dance and jump in a circus, and I can’t afford to piss off my ringmasters. 

Team Work, Free Riders, Parasites and Leeches

The most overused phrase in corporate world is team work and team play. All organizations look for team players and only they are considered a good fit in an organization. Personally speaking I also believed in this concept till a certain extent because this allows proper work distribution and all that. I should say that this belief of mine was shaped by the people I worked with as a team in my corporate career. I had not worked with different kind of people till now who behave totally arbitrarily and are very interesting and simultaneously very irritating in their behavior.  

 An MBA teaches you many things, some explicit and some implicit. Learning from people and learning about people comes under the implicit part. 90% of tasks and assignments and tasks in MBA are group tasks which are supposed to teach you how to work as a team and cooperate. I don’t know if the primary objective behind these group tasks is to learn team play or to learn how to tackle non-contributing and negatively contributing team members and use this learning in your career. Before going ahead, let me explain the psyche of these two species in some more details and introduce one more category. 

Free Riders: Non contributing members who are a liability on the remaining team members are affectionately called free riders. Quite an apt description I must say. These are people who believe in the theory of symbiotic living but only partially. They will stick on with you, contribute nothing, take the benefit and move ahead. Their focus is solely on how not to come in limelight and how to hide their incompetency. They do not show any sense of self consciousness or shame in blatantly copying other’s work. They believe that it’s the duty of others to feed them as they themselves are so much incompetent. A true believer of social theory of justice they are: Distribute not in proportion of competency but of need.  

Parasites: Good thing about free riders is that if they don’t contribute, they don’t either disrupt other team members from working (incompetency is the reason), hence others can work and feed them considering them necessary baggage. Now imagine a case where some people don’t contribute and simultaneously spread negative energy in the group. These can be people who will work as well but will make sure that the team never works as a team. They try to show that others are wicked and shrewd and want to steal the credit which only they deserve. Everyone else in the team is a predator for them waiting for any opportunity to eat their hard work as if they are the only one who can contribute. Contributions made by others are insignificant and irrelevant for them. 

Leeches: The third kind of people you come across are those who are a combination of free riders and parasites. They dont work but keep on lamenting about what others are doing or have done. These act as critics to your work without knowing a bit about it. They try to show off about their knowledge but from the sidehelm only. They never enter the arena but try to make the rules of the games. Very interesting characters infact!!

Now why am I writing about people and their psychology is a question which can be asked. Reason: 2 months into an MBA and I have met and worked with all kinds of people. Sometimes it becomes so much irritating when you work and others either screw up your work (as a team evaluation) or others take credit for whatever you have done. I am not saying that everyone knows everything and ignorant and non-knowledgeable people should be ousted totally. What is more important is the will to learn and contribute in whatever way one can contribute to the team task, how much ever insignificant it may be. We all are here to learn and no one is perfect, what matters is how much are we willing to learn and add our bit to the team. Why should 3 people carry the burden of 3 other almost dead people on their shoulders when all 6 of them are equal and have same pressure to perform? Why shouldn’t they shrug and throw these people without caring for them? The reason can be only one, their own social life and attitude towards others. I don’t believe in social responsibility of carrying dead weight over my shoulders, but still I do it. I am ready to feed poor and helpless beggars who cannot do anything but not rats and cats who will tomorrow bite me if need be. Either they should publically declare that they are incompetent and need social help in order to survive or they should try to behave like respectable students at par with others.  

This might be a controversial topic to delve into but meritocracy and hard work is what I believe in. If all are considered equal, they should earn this status and not take this for granted. If they don’t, others have all the rights to consider them inferior and try to dominate them. Respect cannot be enforced; it can only be earned by your behavior and deeds. So try to earn your own self-respect and the world will respect you.